Decapitating Details

Assignment #3: Write a movie review. I am so sorry to say, but the Science Fiction genre is not really my thing. In some circles, I would be shunned for even thinking about writing a negative review of The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Thank goodness I don't hang around in the comicbook store in my free time...I might just come home with a few sword gashes and a sign on my back that says "I love Pokemon."

Some people wait until certain movies come to the two-dollar theater, while others wait until society has forced them to rent the DVD. We succumbed to peer pressure for The Big Lebowsky, when poker night was no longer fun because we didn’t catch the endless innuendos and line-quoting from our fellow friends who had latched on to “The Dude” craze. Maybe it was because we saw the movie in the wrong decade, or because we anticipated our induction into this cult too eagerly, but the movie somehow failed to live up to our expectations and while we sat there picking popcorn out of our teeth we just couldn’t reason as to why this movie warranted such a following.

We had precisely the same reaction to The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I now understand why I waited seven years to see this endless piece of cinema, much to the chagrin of the two boys I babysat for so long ago. For about three years we had nothing to talk about because they were obsessed over the trilogy and wouldn’t eat dinner until they recounted to me every decapitating detail of this nightmare-inducing movie.

With each increasing hour, the grip around my abdomen covering the eyes and ears of my yet conceived children grew tighter. As soon as one hideous and completely understaffed battle was won by the good guys, another one came along with even more grotesque characters who were pretty likely candidates for what the monster under the bed looked like in my childhood. According to The Internet Movie Database, this trilogy is rated “PG-13 for intense epic battle sequences and frightening images.” Now, I’m the first one to admit that I’m not big on battle scenes or science fiction for that matter, but this movie series goes above and beyond any semblance of kid-friendly content.

Aside from frightening little children, we grew restless of this story’s incessant need to fill up the space between the beginning and end with so much pomp and circumstance of war, terror, and ugly enemies. I am fully aware that this film began life on the pages of J.R.R. Tolkien’s Hobbit and then flourished into a multi-billion dollar enterprise, with box-office totals coming in second to Titanic, so who am I to say that this movie is better off in pieces under my car tires in the driveway?

There were, however, several redeeming qualities of this trilogy. One being the landscape of New Zealand, two being the special effects, and three being the lucky chance that Viggo Mortenson was cast as a main character. It seems improbable that he could take on so many of his freakish enemies at one time, but it was all the more attractive when he emerged from battle without a single scar or beauty-diminishing sword gash. If I could have Mr. Mortenson save me a time or two in battle, I’d seriously consider scraping the DVD off my driveway, gluing it up and becoming a member of the trilogy followers.